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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23799289">A Dove, Seeking</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bil/pseuds/Bil'>Bil</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stargate Atlantis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Episode Tag, Episode: s03e16 The Ark, F/M, Teyla is a good friend, The after-effects of John's death-defying stunts, Trauma doesn't go away at the end of the episode</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:27:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23799289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bil/pseuds/Bil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tag to <em>The Ark</em>. Elizabeth is avoiding John and Teyla thinks she might know why. Sparky.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>John Sheppard/Elizabeth Weir, Teyla Emmagan &amp; Elizabeth Weir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Dove, Seeking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Season: Three.<br/>Spoilers: The Ark. Very minor for Tao of Rodney and Rising.</p>
<p>Disclaimer: All mine! Hah, I don’t think so.</p>
<p>A/N: Since Jamus and Herrick’s people weren’t named in the episode I have christened them the Aplani to make things a little less awkward. And I swear, despite the fact that Elizabeth and John almost completely fail to share any scenes, this is completely John/Elizabeth!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, Teyla,” John greeted, dropping his tray onto the messhall table and flopping down into the chair opposite her.</p>
<p>“John,” she acknowledged. “How was your practice?”</p>
<p>“Oh, you know. Ronon whipped my butt, I kept ending up on the floor, and I got some new bruises. The usual.” He dug into his lunch with enthusiasm as Teyla hid her smile behind her sandwich. He saw it anyway and waved his fork at her. “I <em>did</em> think about telling you I kicked his ass, to save my manly reputation, but I figured you wouldn’t believe me.”</p>
<p>“No,” she agreed serenely.</p>
<p>He rolled his eyes. “That would’ve been a great time for a little white lie. You know, something like: No, John, I might have bought it.”</p>
<p>“I have seen you and Ronon spar.”</p>
<p>“Good point. So, not so much a little white lie as a big black one, huh?” Even now there was some Earth idiom Teyla couldn’t quite process. John saw her confusion and waved his fork dismissively, dripping quiche on the table. “Never mind.”</p>
<p>Teyla finished her sandwich and reached for her drink as he scraped up the quiche. When she put her cup down again he was balancing the fork between his teeth and watching her thoughtfully. She aimed an inquiring look at him and he returned his attention to his lunch. Teyla watched him eat and waited, ever patient, to be rewarded when he looked up from his plate again. He offered her a sheepish grin upon realising she was waiting.</p>
<p>“Hey.” He fiddled with his fork. “Um, I’ve been meaning to ask. Have you noticed anything... weird about Elizabeth lately?”</p>
<p>“ ‘Weird’? In what way?”</p>
<p>He grimaced and picked at the remains of his lunch. “Dunno. It just feels like something’s off.”</p>
<p>With a frown, she considered his words. “I have not noticed any unusual behaviour.”</p>
<p>“It’s probably just me. Don’t worry about it.”</p>
<p>In Teyla’s experience John’s instincts were generally accurate even if he himself didn’t know the reasoning behind them. “Can you not tell me why you feel this way?”</p>
<p>“Nah.” He dropped his fork on his plate with a clatter and leant back in his chair. A breeze through the open doorway wafted a wash of salt air over them and John’s fingers played an impromptu tattoo on the tabletop. “It’s just that ever since we got back from Jamus’s planet she’s been, I don’t know... It’s almost like she’s avoiding me or something. Except that she’s not. But she kind of is. I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Avoiding you?”</p>
<p>“I know, I know, it sounds stupid. Forget it.”</p>
<p>Teyla revised the last few days in her memory. It was now five days since John had saved her life, along with over a thousand others, in one of his characteristic acts of stupid heroism which made her both love him and want to knock some sense into him. “She has been very busy organising aid for the Aplani,” she offered. The people who had spent centuries in stasis had awoken to a new and confusing world.</p>
<p>“I said forget it.” He sat up suddenly and waved to somebody over Teyla’s shoulder. She turned to see Elizabeth at the food counter, lifting a hand in acknowledgement. At John’s second, more insistent gesture, the woman came over to stand beside Teyla.</p>
<p>“John, Teyla,” she smiled at them.</p>
<p>“Have a seat,” John offered as Teyla murmured a greeting. “We got plenty.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, but I just came in for some sandwiches.” She held up the packet in illustration.</p>
<p>“Sure,” John persisted, “but you’ve got to sit down to eat them, right?”</p>
<p>“And I will.” He kicked out a chair invitingly and she smiled but shook her head. “In my office, John. I’ll see you both later.” John looked blank. “Fifteen-thirty? Department Heads’ meeting?” John groaned. “Be there, Colonel,” she ordered, suppressing a smile, and left.</p>
<p>Teyla watched her go, puzzled. “Colonel...”</p>
<p>“I told you to forget it,” he said impatiently.</p>
<p>“John.” He looked at her. “I believe you are correct.”</p>
<p>She had seen the way Elizabeth’s eyes didn’t quite rest on John even when she was speaking to him in a good assumption of her usual manner. She’d felt the faint undercurrent of tension in Elizabeth’s body, noticed that the woman kept her distance from John.</p>
<p>“Great,” John said unhappily and she gave him a questioning look. “What? I hoped I was just imagining things! Because I really have no idea what I could possibly have done to tick her off this time.”</p>
<p>Sipping at her drink, Teyla thought about it. “Did you not say this began after the incident with the shuttle?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he agreed cautiously.</p>
<p>“Then I may know what the problem is.”</p>
<p>“You do?”</p>
<p>“I do not believe she is angry with you. At least not in the way that you mean.”</p>
<p>“Then what’s the matter? And what did I do?”</p>
<p>“I will speak to her.”</p>
<p>“Really?” he asked hopefully.</p>
<p>Standing, Teyla picked up her tray. “Yes.”</p>
<p>“But what did I do?”</p>
<p>“If my suspicions are correct, that is for Elizabeth to tell you.”</p>
<p>“Teyla. Teyla!”</p>
<p>She ignored him and went in search of Elizabeth.</p><hr/>
<p>“Colonel Sheppard has noticed,” Teyla said once the door to Elizabeth’s office had closed behind her.</p>
<p>Elizabeth froze, staring at her, one hand paused in the act of reaching out to her computer. Forcing herself to finish the movement, she asked with laudable steadiness, “Noticed what?”</p>
<p>Teyla stood in front of the desk, looking down at her. “That you are avoiding him.”</p>
<p>“Teyla, I—”</p>
<p>“We need to talk.”</p>
<p>“Teyla, I’m really very busy.”</p>
<p>“Your paperwork will still be there tomorrow,” Teyla said reasonably. “I have noticed that it has a very strong tendency to always be there tomorrow no matter how much of it one does. It is one thing I do not envy your society for.” Elizabeth laughed a little despite herself. “If you do not talk to me,” Teyla persisted, “I shall take my suspicions to John and suggest he come and talk to you instead.”</p>
<p>Eyes narrowing, Elizabeth asked sharply, “What suspicions?”</p>
<p>“As to why his actions on the Aplani homeworld would result in you avoiding him.”</p>
<p>“I’m not avoiding him. In fact, I have a meeting with him in... just under two hours.”</p>
<p>Teyla very properly ignored this. “It is not simply that he nearly died, is it?”</p>
<p>“You nearly died and I’m not avoiding you. In fact, I’m sitting here talking to you when I should be working.”</p>
<p>“You work too much.”</p>
<p>Elizabeth rolled her eyes and looked down at her desk. “Now you sound like John.”</p>
<p>“He is often right about the important things. And he has noticed the change in you.”</p>
<p>Her head jerked up. “I haven’t changed!”</p>
<p>About to respond, Teyla saw the other woman’s eyes flicker to over her shoulder, presumably watching someone moving about in the controlroom. She made a decision. Clearly there was a problem here and Teyla had led her people too long to be able to turn away when there was a problem that needed solving. More, these two were too dear to her for her not to want to help. Convincing Elizabeth to open up would require both peace and privacy. (Not to mention a great deal of verbal skill; Teyla only hoped she had enough. Or possibly a club would be better than a scalpel in this case: Teyla was capable of wielding both.)</p>
<p>“It would be better if we were to conduct this conversation elsewhere,” she said firmly. She let her stance telegraph the fact that whether Elizabeth liked it or not they <em>would</em> be talking. Elizabeth tried to frown her down, but she refused to budge.</p>
<p>Reluctantly admitting defeat, Elizabeth looked down at her computer and opened her mouth.</p>
<p>“Elizabeth! You’ve got to see this!” Teyla swiftly swallowed a few choice words culled from Ronon’s vocabulary and managed not to glare at Rodney as he bounded up to Elizabeth’s desk, radiating enthusiasm. “I was looking through the database and I found a reference to—Did I interrupt something?” He looked between the two of them as if scenting tension. Neither answered. “Uh, hello?”</p>
<p>“No, Rodney,” Teyla said in resignation. “You are not interrupting.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Oh, good. So, Elizabeth, I was...”</p>
<p>Teyla turned away, tuning out Rodney’s words and well aware that Elizabeth was giving the scientist twice as much attention as usual in the hope that it would make Teyla forget what she’d been saying. As she passed through the controlroom she smiled a thin, humourless smile. If Elizabeth thought this was over she would soon find out her mistake. Teyla might have lost this opportunity but that was all right – she’d find another one. Elizabeth was stubborn, yes, but so was she.</p><hr/>
<p>The Wraith dart screamed overhead, an arrowhead of vicious metal gleaming against the night sky. Fire rained down around her and the screams of darts were echoed by the screams of people as they died. And then the worse horror, the dart reaching down fingers of light through the dark trees and snatching her from the soil of her homeworld. In the darkness Teyla screamed, fighting against the intangible bonds that held her in the grip of the shadows, fighting against the nothingness that held her floating in the uncompromising black. Fighting was futile but still she fought. She refused to give in to the darkness, refused to let them hold her against her will. She would be free, she would not be a captive, she would—</p>
<p>Light. She stood in the light again, gravity pulling at her again, and even before her disorientation could fade there was a Wraith there, a Wraith filling her vision, filling her world, jabbing its hand into her chest, draining her of life – and wearing her face.</p>
<p>Teyla woke gasping as if she’d just run the race of her life and jolted upright, lifting her hands to ward off the phantoms and falling back onto her pillow as she realised they weren’t real. Pushing herself back up into a sitting position she stared around her familiar room and tried to convince her racing heart that it had just been a dream. Just a nightmare, that was all. Not real.</p>
<p>She pushed the sweat-soaked hair off her face with a hand that shook with left-over adrenaline and took deep, slow breaths. Just a nightmare.</p>
<p>It had been a mix of varying elements gathered up by her subconscious over the years and melded together into one bitter whole brought to the fore by Jamus’s kidnapping. The beam that had swept her into the storage device might have been modified for the Aplani purposes but it had still been Wraith. The first time she’d been taken by a Wraith beam John had done the impossible and saved her and her people. Back then on the Wraith hive she’d know she was lost because no one ever returned once the Wraith had taken them. This time she hadn’t had the time to be scared because she’d barely realised what Jamus intended before she was in the storage device, but the aftershock of reaction made up for it. She could have died and never known it. If it hadn’t been, once again, for John...</p>
<p>Abandoning her bed and its attendant spectres, Teyla pulled on a jacket and padded out into the corridors, dim in the deep of night. Death had haunted her from childhood; the people of Pegasus knew too well how easily a life could be taken. That made it no easier to face the reality of it yet again. But she was alive. She <em>was</em>.</p>
<p>Distant voices echoed down the corridor ahead, followed by laughter and the clatter of someone dropping something. Teyla turned away; she didn’t want to talk to anyone just yet. She needed to calm her shaken heart, not to try to gloss over the fear by pretending everything was fine. It <em>would</em> be fine, it just wasn’t quite yet.</p>
<p>Walking the corridors, immersing herself in the now-familiar world of the Ancestor’s great city, did much to steady her thoughts. Her soul’s home would always be a distant planet and tents under the open sky, but this place of wonder was her home now and its familiarity eased her aching thoughts. It reminded her of her own strength, of her ability to fight back against the Wraith, and told her that she was not weak, not alone, not lost. Feeling calmer, she headed for the nearest balcony and the open air. She was not yet ready to sleep, to give the nightmares their chance again, and watching the waves in the dark would give her peace to compose her emotions. And, as a useful distraction, to plan how she would next approach Elizabeth.</p>
<p>The muted light from the corridor fell through the open doorway onto the balcony for just long enough that Teyla could see someone was already there, sitting against the wall. Elizabeth. As the door closed behind her, shutting out the light, Elizabeth turned her head hastily away but was not quite fast enough to prevent Teyla seeing the silver glitter of tears.</p>
<p>The Earth people would say this was merely coincidence, but despite all she had learnt of the Ancients in the time she’d lived in their city, Teyla still held onto her childhood belief in the Ancestors. This was no coincidence: the Ancestors had guided her steps here.</p>
<p>Sitting down beside Elizabeth, not quite close enough to intrude but too close to be ignored, Teyla sighed and looked up at the swath of stars dividing the black sky overhead. A sky mercifully empty of the Wraith darts that had screamed across the skies of her nightmares. A comet cut across the belt of the galaxy like a dagger plunging into the black and somewhere out across the waves a bird gave its eerie call. Elizabeth resolutely kept her head turned away.</p>
<p>“Do the nightmares disturb your sleep also?” Teyla asked quietly, the soft hush of the waves far below underlying her words. Giving Elizabeth no time to answer, she continued, “My father used to tell me that nightmares were our way to practise being brave so that when we truly needed courage we would know where to find it. But although I have dreamed of the culling for as long as I can remember it made me no less afraid when it finally came. Although I had nightmares about my father dying it made it no easier to lose him.”</p>
<p>Elizabeth sighed in tired defeat, turning her head so that Teyla could see her profile silhouetted against the shadows as she leaned back against the wall, looking upwards to the stars. “Then you know.”</p>
<p>“I have guessed. For some reason John’s brush with death has disturbed you.” John’s recklessness, however well intentioned, affected those around him more than he knew.</p>
<p>“I just don’t understand why he’s so eager to die!” The woman turned away again, pressing her lips together, clearly aghast at her own outburst.</p>
<p>This was a very different Elizabeth to the one who’d teased John about needing to have his head examined for his harebrained stunt. And this, Teyla suspected, was an Elizabeth John had not been permitted to see at all. Which meant, since John was the person Elizabeth usually talked to, it was an Elizabeth no one had been allowed to see. Which could not be healthy.</p>
<p>“He is not eager to die,” she replied quietly, choosing her words with care. “It is simply that he cannot stand idly by if there is a course of action available to him.” No response came, and Elizabeth refused to look at her. “Please, Elizabeth, it would be better if you spoke of it rather than keeping it inside until it overflows like a pot of boiling water and scalds everyone within reach.”</p>
<p>Elizabeth finally turned her head to look at her directly, flashes of starlight glinting in her eyes like the blades of twin comets and blocking out all emotion, making her gaze hard and sharp. Teyla held that gaze unflinchingly. “Please, if you cannot talk to him, then talk to me. I too was a leader once.” It hurt to add the ‘once’. As much as she loved her life on Atlantis, she missed her people just as fiercely. They had been <em>hers</em>.</p>
<p>Elizabeth looked away, looked out across the dark waves, and withdrew, gathering composure about her like a cloak. When she spoke her voice was carefully controlled. “I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of watching people die, tired of sending them out to die. And every time we lose someone the IOA comes sniffing around, saying ‘Well, weren’t <em>you</em> stupid?’ ” Rancour slipped into her voice there but she reigned it back. “Do they hate us so much that they need to pour salt into wounds that already hurt too much? We nearly lost Rodney last month, we <em>did</em> lose Lieutenant Gordon a few weeks ago. He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last, but... I’m tired of losing people, Teyla. And I’m not sure how—” She closed her eyes, her fingers pinching desperately at the hem of her shirt as she fought for control. “I’m not sure how many more times I can believe him dead without cracking. So when he comes back and casually tells me he’s courted death yet again...” Her eyes flew open and she reached out to Teyla, her hand hovering in the air between them. “I’m glad he did it, I’m glad he saved you. I’m glad he saved all of them.”</p>
<p>Teyla took the hand and held it between her own. “But it was another time you came close to losing him,” she agreed. “And by his own choice. You are human, Elizabeth. You are allowed to be angry and resentful.”</p>
<p>She drew her hand back sharply, dropping it onto her knee in a loose fist. “No, I’m not. I’m the leader of this city and I can’t afford—”</p>
<p>“You’re human,” Teyla persisted. “You cannot deny yourself your emotions. To do so will only cripple you.”</p>
<p>“Some emotions, yes. But he’s my second in command. I’m not allowed to resent him for being so willing to die, I’m not allowed to be jealous he—” Horrified, she froze, clearly wishing she could take back those last words.</p>
<p>Teyla realised she’d been a little bit right and an awful lot wrong. Small things that she had simply accepted as just part of the strangeness of the people of Earth now suddenly made sense. “You believe he feels something deeper than friendship for me.” Intrigued not only by the misconception, but also that it would trouble the other woman, Teyla ignored her attempt at denial. “I am a part of his family, a small, jealously-guarded family. That he would risk his life for me is not surprising, for he would do it for any of his family. Even,” she added with a twinkle, “Rodney.”</p>
<p>Elizabeth managed a slight smile but made no reply, biting her lip and staring fixedly at the balcony floor as if doing so could make this conversation magically never happen.</p>
<p>“Do you not see?” Teyla asked, perplexed by this persistent obtuseness. “He would die for me, yes. Death comes easily to him and he has no fear of death for the right cause. But for you—Elizabeth, he <em>lives</em> for you.”</p>
<p>Her head came up at that and she stared at Teyla, eyes wide and startled.</p>
<p>“Do you not see how great a gift that is? He offers me his death, but you he offers his life. And that is a far more precious gift.”</p>
<p>“Teyla, I—I don’t—”</p>
<p>She looked up at the stars and spoke thoughtfully. “When I first came amongst your people I was hesitant to show my ignorance of your ways for fear it would mark me as an outsider. But John told me a saying from your world: the only stupid question is one that is never asked.”</p>
<p>“Yes?” Elizabeth’s tone was polite but confused.</p>
<p>“Among my people there is a parallel... not a saying, but an understanding: The only ‘wrong’ love is that which is not allowed to grow.” Seeing the arrested expression on her face, Teyla moved in for the kill. “Elizabeth, my people live under the constant shadow of the Wraith. It is not our way to linger over questions, for we haven’t the time. If I wished for a relationship with John I would not wait three years to do so. It has nothing to do with reticence on our parts. Do not let thoughts of me hold you back.”</p>
<p>“It’s not like that, I—”</p>
<p>“You love him.” And not the way Teyla loved him, as a good, dear friend, but in a fashion far more complicated and far more simple. She <em>loved</em> him. It would have been kinder to hit her across the face than to say so, however, judging by her stunned expression. “I see that now. I regret I did not understand earlier or I would have spoken.”</p>
<p>She’d fallen into the trap that Elizabeth created so well, where the diplomat in her showed a range of emotions great enough that people didn’t think to look to see if there were more hidden underneath.</p>
<p>“I cannot tell you that John loves you as you love him, for I don’t know what is in his heart. But I do know that his greatest fears are for you, and that your safety is his first concern. I know that though he is willing to die for me, you are what keeps him fighting for life.” She shifted position so that she was facing Elizabeth properly. “And I also know that if you choose to sacrifice any chance of a relationship with him – for fear of what others may think or for any other reason – then you hurt not only yourself, but him also. And as a friend of you both, I cannot allow that.”</p>
<p>“It’s not that simple, Teyla. I wish it was, but it isn’t.”</p>
<p>“ ‘Not that simple’,” she repeated. “In my experience, that is what people claim for a situation that is in fact that simple but they do not wish to admit it.”</p>
<p>“The IOA, our respective positions—”</p>
<p>“Are excuses.” Elizabeth shook her head and Teyla narrowed her eyes. “And if he dies tomorrow?” She saw Elizabeth’s chin go up to try and hide her flinch but forged on. “Will it have been worth it?”</p>
<p>“I have his friendship. That has to be enough.”</p>
<p>Teyla sighed. These Earth people could be so stubborn and always at the wrong time. “I was married once.” Elizabeth was too startled by this revelation to speak; Teyla had never made it secret, but there had never been reason to bring it up before. “Your people don’t seem to expect it, but my people marry early compared to yours because our lives do not carry the guarantees that yours seem to. My husband died before we had been married a year. And the pain of that, Elizabeth, I thought would kill me. But I would rather have had that short time with him than to live a long life without ever knowing him. If I had the chance again, to love him even knowing he would so soon be gone, I would take it. I would take it again and again because it was <em>worth</em> it. Do you understand me, Elizabeth? What you could have with John, if you only give yourself the chance, it is worth the risk, it is worth the pain, it is worth any price.”</p>
<p>There was nothing more she could say. If Elizabeth continued in her stubbornness Teyla had run out of arguments. She stood, surprised to find herself trembling. Every word she’d said, she’d meant with her whole heart. She looked down at Elizabeth, who stared wide-eyed back. “You have the right to sacrifice your own happiness,” she said quietly. “But I do not believe you have the right to sacrifice his as well.”</p>
<p>Elizabeth’s voice stopped her as she reached the door. “Teyla.” She turned to see Elizabeth stand, to see the woman’s shoulders square as if a burden had been lifted. “You’re right. Thank you.”</p>
<p>Teyla smiled. “Go to him, Elizabeth. Give him even more reason to live.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Fin.</em>
</p>
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